high-key thriving & low-key spiralling

there’s a strange mix of gratitude, guilt, and confusion that comes with leaving home and making a new one. even when the decision is intentional, one you choose for yourself, doubt creeps in: was it the right choice? over the last couple of years, that back and forth -the push and pull between what once felt like my place and what feels like it now - has been kind of overwhelming. sometimes not thinking about it feels like the easiest way to cope, because otherwise you start spiralling into: did i move for authenticity and opportunity, or because the idea of staying - of feeling like i was falling behind or had nothing left - scared me more? and that's gross to get into.

when there’s a three-year visa ticking loudly, you’re forced to live every day like it’s your last. you romanticise the little things, appreciate the mundane, embrace whatever comes your way - hoping that if or when it all ends, you’ll be ready to return to “normality.” but as the time gets closer, you can’t help but think: what if i have to leave before i’m ready? then what? do i just go back, like a washed-up ex-backpacker wannabe DJ? surely not. and while it’s a silly fear in the grand scheme of things - one i’m actually very fortunate to even have  -  i can’t help but avoid the thought. because despite what i just said about perspective, and despite the fact charli xcx made brat in her 30s (so clearly there’s no expiry date on redefining your life), sometimes not thinking about it feels easier than having to take it seriously.

i watch people climb the property and career ladders and start families at this point in time, while i live a life that is, yes, kinda exciting - it is realistically not very good at setting up future-me in a conventional sense. right? and i do wonder, “will i regret this one day?” though i constantly go back to the answer being no i won't, as the experiences and connections i’ve built are invaluable. still, it’s kind of complicated and fucked witnessing relationships evolve (some for the worse), finances stretch thin, and ties to the people and places that once made you who you are fade a little or become less relevant.

to move through life belonging nowhere yet everywhere at once comes with its own confusion - the duality of being proud and being nervous, being present while constantly anxious about the future. it’s a nuanced experience only people going through it too really understand. when even the simplest task, like picking up the phone for a facetime call, can feel anxiety-inducing or impossible to time right, it leaves you feeling flat and thinking you're the worst daughter/friend/sister ever lol. can you tell i use humour to mask my emotions? because trying to explain to someone 11 hours behind you that, yes, life is amazing but no, you cannot emotionally debrief right now since they’re crawling into bed while you’re just starting your day… yeah, you sound like a bit of a bitch. when in reality, you’re just trying to live.

and then suddenly you’re in this tiny spiral of what i can only describe as mild self-destruction. slay. i don’t want to give “woe is me” about choices i actively made, but i do want to hold myself accountable: in trying to be your best self and live “your best life,” you’re inevitably going to fall short in some areas at the same time.

to round it off, i guess i’ve accepted that right now my life is a mix of “wow, that’s kinda epic i’m doing this” and “who let me do this?” but honestly, the chaos and confusion is what makes it interesting. so if this whole journey ends up being one long learning curve, at least i got some solid writing material out of it - and some of the best coffee i’ve ever had. thank you melbourne.

catch you soon,

dozie x